I'm struggling tonight. After getting all the kids in bed I just started crying. I don't know how to do this. Three kids is a lot of work and without Dave it seems impossible. My family is so supportive but I hate relying on them for everything. I can't seem to get anything done. My house is a disaster. I've just about fallen off my diet. I feel like I don't know how to parent successfully and that I completely suck at it.
I feel so torn in so many directions. How much more of this can I take? How do people do this? There are plenty of moms with dads on the road or dads in the military. Why can't I do this? I just feel like such a failure. I don't want to fail my kids. Or my marriage for that matter.
I want to be a super mom and a super wife. Why can't life just be easy?
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Lonesome
Ok so it's only been 2 weeks tomorrow that Dave has been gone but it seems like FOREVER this time. I keep very busy but at the end of the day I miss him so much. I miss being able to just sit and talk to him or hug him or even be annoyed with him. It makes me miss him more when Eric says things like "I miss daddy so much" completely out of the blue or tonight Andrew saw Dave's wedding band in the bathroom and said "daddy" in the sweetest voice possible. I miss my best friend. I feel so alone without him.
Seven years of marriage at the end of the month and we may not even be together to celebrate...come home soon my love.
Seven years of marriage at the end of the month and we may not even be together to celebrate...come home soon my love.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Weight Loss
Once again my employer is doing a biggest loser contest. If you want to participate you pay $5 and at the end the biggest loser wins half the pot and the biggest losing team wins the other half the pot. Our employer kicks in $.25 per pound lost to be spread amongst the 2nd through 6th place.
We are on week 11 and I'm in 6th place. I wanted to be the winner but there are some determined people this year!! I didn't want to go too crazy and jepordize my milk supply. This program has been a great motivation and just what I needed to get started after having Katelyn. I have lost 21.6 lbs which is 10 lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight and I am really beginning to like myself. That is HUGE for me. I have always had extreemely low self esteem (being a fat girl will do that to you). I can see changes in my body, I have more energy, people are noticing and complimenting, it is awesome. I am 1 lb aways from the weight I was in 10th grade which still isn't saying much but that was around 15 years ago.
I've been following the Weight Watchers plan at home. I had success with this plan before and it is so doable for me. I knew it was the right life change that would work. It is easy for me and I find it fun. I have not had to work out (I'm not sure how I would time for that right now!) and I think nursing has a lot to do with the success I have had this time. I have been very good at sticking to the plan though. I'm proud of myself!
My goal is to lose another 26.2 pounds to put myself in a healthy BMI range. I can't wait and I'm so excited to get there. I can't imagine the energy I'll have. I'll be a way better role model for the kids. AND I'll get to wear cute clothes!!
We are on week 11 and I'm in 6th place. I wanted to be the winner but there are some determined people this year!! I didn't want to go too crazy and jepordize my milk supply. This program has been a great motivation and just what I needed to get started after having Katelyn. I have lost 21.6 lbs which is 10 lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight and I am really beginning to like myself. That is HUGE for me. I have always had extreemely low self esteem (being a fat girl will do that to you). I can see changes in my body, I have more energy, people are noticing and complimenting, it is awesome. I am 1 lb aways from the weight I was in 10th grade which still isn't saying much but that was around 15 years ago.
I've been following the Weight Watchers plan at home. I had success with this plan before and it is so doable for me. I knew it was the right life change that would work. It is easy for me and I find it fun. I have not had to work out (I'm not sure how I would time for that right now!) and I think nursing has a lot to do with the success I have had this time. I have been very good at sticking to the plan though. I'm proud of myself!
My goal is to lose another 26.2 pounds to put myself in a healthy BMI range. I can't wait and I'm so excited to get there. I can't imagine the energy I'll have. I'll be a way better role model for the kids. AND I'll get to wear cute clothes!!
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Smells
Isn't it weird how certain smells can make you think of certain memories? I dropped off some CHD family kits to St. Mary's on Friday after work. As soon as I walked in the door I immediately smelled it. I don't know if they just cleaned the place or what but it was smelling very hospital like. I just about choked. It took me back to 3/25/10, surgery day. I pictured myself sitting in the awful waiting room WAITING. I'll admit, I almost broke down. Walked into 5B and heard the familiar beeping - UGH. Thankfully there was someone there to take the kits right away. I'm not sure how much longer I could have taken it!
A couple of weeks ago I was using up some old travel size things I had. I opened up some shampoo and it just happened to be the shampoo I used after I had Andrew and the few times I stayed at the NICU with him. It took me back to the little room in the NICU as I got ready for another day by my baby's side. Thankfully there wasn't much left and it is now gone.
BUT I am loving the smells of grills roasting delicious food lately thanks to this gorgeous weather! Can't wait for Dave to be home to cook me some burgers! Oh yeah and just to have him home. :o)
A couple of weeks ago I was using up some old travel size things I had. I opened up some shampoo and it just happened to be the shampoo I used after I had Andrew and the few times I stayed at the NICU with him. It took me back to the little room in the NICU as I got ready for another day by my baby's side. Thankfully there wasn't much left and it is now gone.
BUT I am loving the smells of grills roasting delicious food lately thanks to this gorgeous weather! Can't wait for Dave to be home to cook me some burgers! Oh yeah and just to have him home. :o)
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Whole Hearted
http://obituaries.expressionstributes.com/?mobile=ad1a220853
What a loving write up for such a little one. Wyatt's mom posted this this morning on our Truncus support group page. She also left this comment "We were putting on his coat to go see Christmas lights and he just got "frozen" and his pupils took up all of his eyes. We called 911 and I did CPR until the first responders came. They continued but couldn't save him. Ambulance to the nearest hospital only to have our worst fear confirmed. He had an arrythmia and died quickly and painlessly. Thank you all for your prayers. Please keep them coming."
Rest in peace sweet Wyatt.
What a loving write up for such a little one. Wyatt's mom posted this this morning on our Truncus support group page. She also left this comment "We were putting on his coat to go see Christmas lights and he just got "frozen" and his pupils took up all of his eyes. We called 911 and I did CPR until the first responders came. They continued but couldn't save him. Ambulance to the nearest hospital only to have our worst fear confirmed. He had an arrythmia and died quickly and painlessly. Thank you all for your prayers. Please keep them coming."
Rest in peace sweet Wyatt.
Monday, December 12, 2011
The Unknown
While checking out Facebook tonight I came across a posting by a fellow Truncus heart mom of the song "All of Me" by Matt Hammitt. I have wanted to hear this song for a while so it struck my interest. I read a comment below her posting that said "Such a touching song - I hope you can find some comfort during this time. Know that you have all of our prayers." I had to read it twice and then thought to myself, what the heck are they talking about?
I went into her facebook wall and found numerous postings by friends and family sending their prayers for the loss of their son. Tears immediately filled my eyes. I searched for a posting by her that would explain. The last posting by her was on Saturday that was with a picture of an ornament her and her son had made. There was no mention of anything wrong with little Wyatt. I checked the Truncus Arteriosus board on Facebook and she had posted a question on Sunday - "
I went into her facebook wall and found numerous postings by friends and family sending their prayers for the loss of their son. Tears immediately filled my eyes. I searched for a posting by her that would explain. The last posting by her was on Saturday that was with a picture of an ornament her and her son had made. There was no mention of anything wrong with little Wyatt. I checked the Truncus Arteriosus board on Facebook and she had posted a question on Sunday - "
Friday, December 2, 2011
A Baby Story
I can't believe that our little Katelyn is a month old tomorrow. Where did that time go? I haven't written down her birth story and I realized I have been slacking on blogging. So I figured I'd blog the birth story! So here goes.
I was originally due October 24th but that day passed by with out really any indication that our baby girl would be gracing us with her presence. I went to the doctor on October 27th and we set up an induction for November 2nd/3rd. I wasn't too thrilled with this but I figured it wouldn't hurt to get it scheduled. She had to come out at some point right? I really didn't want to be induced. I was induced with both boys. I wanted to wake in the middle of the night and frantically have to get ready to get to the hospital. I left the appointment hoping that my body would do it's job and that I would have this baby on my own.
No such luck. November 2nd came and no baby. We dropped the boys off at my grandparents. The nerves really started setting in at that point. I kept telling Dave that I wasn't ready for the needles and pain that would be coming. Deep down my real fear was if this little girl was going to be all right.
We got to the hospital and settled into our birthing room. These were newly remodeled so that was kind of nice! They did a cervical check and I was already at 4cm. I got my IV and they started pitocin around 8:30pm. My contractions didn't become real painful until around 9:30 or so. They checked my cervix again - this time a 6 with a bulging bag. That made mad me a little nervous. With the boys after my water would break my contractions come on FAST. I decided that we could let anesthesia know I wanted my epidural. Of course they were busy so we waited. Around 10:30 another cervix check - still a 6 - my water breaks! Oh boy! I started crying and told them I was scared.
My nurse tells me that maybe I should just do this without an epidural. I said "Are you crazy?" and she laughed. She was a sweet lady. They located anesthesia and told them we needed them NOW. They came in and decided to do a spinal/epidural combo. The spinal would do a real good job numbing for about an hour and then the epidural would kick in and the numbness would decrease. Just before midnight the epidural was in place and I was starting to feel good. They gave me a popsicle and dimmed the lights so I could "rest".
A few minutes later my popsicle gets taken away (how dare they!) to put on an oxygen mask. The baby's heartrate was decreasing with the last few contractions. 5 minutes later the nurse comes in again and baby's heartrate is still decreasing and I needed to flip on my side. Doesn't help so I have to flip again. They place internal monitors to track baby's heartrate. They continue to flip me as the decels were becoming alarming to them.
Just before 1am, 5 or 6 people come in the room (we later found out they were coming in to wheel me to the OR for a c-section!). During the last contraction baby's heartrate hadn't come back up. The doctor checked one last time and baby was crowning! I couldn't feel ANYTHING because of the spinal. They told me to push - head is out. Then I hear "don't push!" The cord was wrapped around her neck and her arm was up by her head as she came out. With each contraction it was cutting off her oxygen supply. How scary! One more push and she was here at 1:10am on November 3rd.
She cried a sweet cry and they placed her on my chest. She was so little! I held her for a while and Dave cut the cord. It was amazing. 7lbs even and 20.75 inches long. So precious and so perfect. My smallest but longest baby with a full head of dark brown hair. We snuggled while we waited to go to our post-partum room.
I had a wonderful recovery. Honestly I didn't feel like I had just given birth. We stayed just 36 hours in the hospital. The normal tests were done - Minnesota newborn screening, hearing, and billirubin level. And per my request (even with our history, how sad is that?! I'll have to post more on that next time.) a pulse ox was done on all 4 extremities. ALL 100%!!
It took a while to finalize a name. We went with Katelyn Elise. I have always liked the name Katelyn and I pictured a little Katie with pig tails running around our house. Dave and I both liked the name Elise. When pronounced you can hear "lee" which is my middle name. Elise is also a form of a Elizabeth which was Dave's late grandmother's middle name. It fits perfectly.
We are so blessed and all so smitten with our little girl. Our family is complete. <3
I was originally due October 24th but that day passed by with out really any indication that our baby girl would be gracing us with her presence. I went to the doctor on October 27th and we set up an induction for November 2nd/3rd. I wasn't too thrilled with this but I figured it wouldn't hurt to get it scheduled. She had to come out at some point right? I really didn't want to be induced. I was induced with both boys. I wanted to wake in the middle of the night and frantically have to get ready to get to the hospital. I left the appointment hoping that my body would do it's job and that I would have this baby on my own.
No such luck. November 2nd came and no baby. We dropped the boys off at my grandparents. The nerves really started setting in at that point. I kept telling Dave that I wasn't ready for the needles and pain that would be coming. Deep down my real fear was if this little girl was going to be all right.
We got to the hospital and settled into our birthing room. These were newly remodeled so that was kind of nice! They did a cervical check and I was already at 4cm. I got my IV and they started pitocin around 8:30pm. My contractions didn't become real painful until around 9:30 or so. They checked my cervix again - this time a 6 with a bulging bag. That made mad me a little nervous. With the boys after my water would break my contractions come on FAST. I decided that we could let anesthesia know I wanted my epidural. Of course they were busy so we waited. Around 10:30 another cervix check - still a 6 - my water breaks! Oh boy! I started crying and told them I was scared.
My nurse tells me that maybe I should just do this without an epidural. I said "Are you crazy?" and she laughed. She was a sweet lady. They located anesthesia and told them we needed them NOW. They came in and decided to do a spinal/epidural combo. The spinal would do a real good job numbing for about an hour and then the epidural would kick in and the numbness would decrease. Just before midnight the epidural was in place and I was starting to feel good. They gave me a popsicle and dimmed the lights so I could "rest".
A few minutes later my popsicle gets taken away (how dare they!) to put on an oxygen mask. The baby's heartrate was decreasing with the last few contractions. 5 minutes later the nurse comes in again and baby's heartrate is still decreasing and I needed to flip on my side. Doesn't help so I have to flip again. They place internal monitors to track baby's heartrate. They continue to flip me as the decels were becoming alarming to them.
Just before 1am, 5 or 6 people come in the room (we later found out they were coming in to wheel me to the OR for a c-section!). During the last contraction baby's heartrate hadn't come back up. The doctor checked one last time and baby was crowning! I couldn't feel ANYTHING because of the spinal. They told me to push - head is out. Then I hear "don't push!" The cord was wrapped around her neck and her arm was up by her head as she came out. With each contraction it was cutting off her oxygen supply. How scary! One more push and she was here at 1:10am on November 3rd.
She cried a sweet cry and they placed her on my chest. She was so little! I held her for a while and Dave cut the cord. It was amazing. 7lbs even and 20.75 inches long. So precious and so perfect. My smallest but longest baby with a full head of dark brown hair. We snuggled while we waited to go to our post-partum room.
I had a wonderful recovery. Honestly I didn't feel like I had just given birth. We stayed just 36 hours in the hospital. The normal tests were done - Minnesota newborn screening, hearing, and billirubin level. And per my request (even with our history, how sad is that?! I'll have to post more on that next time.) a pulse ox was done on all 4 extremities. ALL 100%!!
It took a while to finalize a name. We went with Katelyn Elise. I have always liked the name Katelyn and I pictured a little Katie with pig tails running around our house. Dave and I both liked the name Elise. When pronounced you can hear "lee" which is my middle name. Elise is also a form of a Elizabeth which was Dave's late grandmother's middle name. It fits perfectly.
We are so blessed and all so smitten with our little girl. Our family is complete. <3
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