November 11

Veterans' Day is fast approaching.  There are plenty of reminders everywhere - Veterans' Day Sales, cookies ordered to give out at the bank, free bloomin' onion at Outback for Veterans.  I am so thankful for the work these men and women do for our country.  I am very grateful for our freedom.

Unfortunately, 11/11 has a new meaning for me now.  Last year our lives were changed forever when we first heard "there is something wrong with your baby's heart."  I didn't think this date would affect me so much.  One year since I first heard Truncus Arteriosus.  For about 2 weeks now I have been thinking about it - the last few days becoming teary eyed when thinking of it.  I'll never forget that day and remember it so vividly.

We were so excited to go to our 20 week ultrasound.  I was electing to not find out the gender but I was so excited to see the baby.  We had a nice ultrasound tech.  She was very talkative at first pointing out everything to us.  After it seemed like she had shown us everything, she kept focusing on one area, taking multiple pictures.  Deep down I just knew something wasn't right but I kept pushing that thought to the back of my mind. 

The ultrasound tech excused herself and said she was going to check with her supervisor to be sure she got all the pictures they needed.  I didn't read into that statement until she brought the supervisor back in.  "Kate" was super nice, made small talk, and kept saying things like "I'm a fanatic about getting perfect pictures of the heart."  After a while she finally came out and said, "I'm not seeing what I would like to see with the heart.  I'm going to get our on call doctor and have him take a look." 

For some crazy reason, I didn't cry.  I kept telling myself they were wrong.  The doc came in and took some pictures himself and agreed with "Kate".  They gave a quick call to cardiology and we were rushed over for a fetal echocardiogram to get an even closer look at the heart.  I still didn't cry.  I have no idea how I didn't.  I usually cry a lot. 

We booked it across the skyway and up the elevator to have the echo.  The experience was TERRIBLE.  The echo techs do not talk AT ALL.  It was so nerve racking.  At that point I remember a couple tears rolling down my cheeks.  After the echo, the cardiology doc came in and told us the baby had Truncus Arteriosus.  It was a rare and serious defect that would require surgery within the first week of life.

Back down the elevator and across the subway to meet with the doc again.  As he explained the defect to us (from a textbook!) it was so unreal.  How could this be happening to us?  We were offered an amnio to check for Downs, Trisomy 18, or other genetic disorders.  He told us he hadn't seen any other markers for those so he was confident the baby didn't have those.  Then words I was not ready to hear came out of his mouth.  "Medically I have to inform you of your right to terminate the pregnancy."  He went on further telling me how much time I had to legally have it done.  That is when I lost it.  How could I just "get rid" of my baby?!  NEVER.  I started shaking and rocking back and forth on the seat.  I bawled.  I'm positive the doctor almost started crying.  He told me he would be my new OB doc, I think we set up some appointments and left.  (I do not blame him for "offering" termination.  It is part of their job.  He is an AMAZING doctor and by far one of my favorite people on this earth)

The walk back to the car was so long.  I had to lean on Dave to walk.  I cried the whole way.  I'm glad it was late in the day and there weren't many people in the hallways.  We had driven separately but Dave wouldn't let me drive.  Ironically during the ultrasound my mom had called.  Dave let her know something wasn't right with the baby.  She met us at my grandparent's house where we had to pick up Eric.  We walked in the door and they all wanted to know what was going on.  I didn't want to talk about it.  I just wanted to be alone.  I cried, they cried.  It was terrible.

We got home around 9pm.  I went straight to bed.  Of course I couldn't sleep.  I cried myself to sleep for a little while but it didn't last long.  I remember getting out of bed multiple times, trying to watch tv, do something to get my mind off of it.  I couldn't stop crying.  Why my baby?!  What could I have done wrong?  I took my prenatals, didn't drink, don't smoke, I'm young.  WHY?  (Of course now I have found reasons that I do blame myself but I'll save that for another post).

As terrible as that day was and as scary as it made the rest of pregnancy, I'm so glad they discovered the defect before he was born.  I'm positive that having everyone ready is part of why he did so well.