2010 you've been bad to us and you've been good to us. I am happy to be saying goodbye to you! I hope that 2011 brings joy to our family and others. I hope that Andrew's health remains good. I hope my husband is able to become employed. I hope that we are able to make wise decisions for our family in every way.
New Years has never been a big holiday for me. In college maybe and of course the year Dave got down on one knee to ask me to spend the rest of my life with him but other then that it's just another day to me. I'm surprised I'm actually still up at 10:45pm!!
This year New Years is just down right sad. Heart wrenching. I have a new friend in my life that should be celebrating the 1st birthday of her daughter tomorrow. I have been thinking about my friend and her family all day today. As this eve ticks away, I am finding it hard to hold back my tears for them. I pray they can make it through tonight, tomorrow, and the upcoming weeks. I wish I could do more for them.
So goodbye 2010. Adios.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Oh the Worry
I'm anxiously awaiting Andrew's next cardiology appointment. Although, I'm terrified at the same time. Probably a month ago I started noticing that his lips were not quite pink. I panicked the first day I noticed it. I consulted Dr. Google who told me that as long as the inside of mouth wasn't blue it wasn't an emergency. Since that date his lips seem to change colors often usually just a dusky gray but once a distinctive blue. He's happy and cheerful during these "episodes" so I've kept it in the back of mind as something to bring up at the next appointment in January.
Last night his hands were a dark purple and his nail beds were blue. I'll admit I'm worried now. His hands are always cold too. The rest of his body will be nice and warm and his hands are icebergs. Its probably nothing (I hope!) but what if it isn't? I hate all these what ifs. It's so hard. I'm constantly checking him over now. Turning the lights up to get a better look, moving his hands in different directions to take a look at his nail beds, tilting his head to look at his lips and mouth. I wish there was a button I could push that would give me his stats or tell me he was ok.
I hope I get better at this. I think they should off a heart parent college course to tell me everything I need to know. I feel like I don't know anything and the little things probably worry me more then they need to.
Last night his hands were a dark purple and his nail beds were blue. I'll admit I'm worried now. His hands are always cold too. The rest of his body will be nice and warm and his hands are icebergs. Its probably nothing (I hope!) but what if it isn't? I hate all these what ifs. It's so hard. I'm constantly checking him over now. Turning the lights up to get a better look, moving his hands in different directions to take a look at his nail beds, tilting his head to look at his lips and mouth. I wish there was a button I could push that would give me his stats or tell me he was ok.
I hope I get better at this. I think they should off a heart parent college course to tell me everything I need to know. I feel like I don't know anything and the little things probably worry me more then they need to.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Why Must I Be So Hurtful?
I said something tonight to Dave that I shouldn't have. At least not in the tone or words I used. I can tell he is hurt and I feel awful.
We were somewhat arguing about the clean clothes that we hang over the banister when we are folding clothes. Sometimes they sit there for a couple of days. I pointed to the ones that are currently there and said, "Now how long have those been there? These clothes shouldn't be sitting around. You don't have a job, there is no reason our house shouldn't be clean everyday. If I was a stay at home mom I assume it would be expected of me to keep a clean house." OUCH.
It's not his choice he doesn't have a job. Well he probably could go work somewhere but it wouldn't be as an electrician and it would be for far less pay and even less then what he receives on unemployment. He would love to be working.
I feel terrible and I am trying to work up the courage to apologize. Why must I be so hurtful?
We were somewhat arguing about the clean clothes that we hang over the banister when we are folding clothes. Sometimes they sit there for a couple of days. I pointed to the ones that are currently there and said, "Now how long have those been there? These clothes shouldn't be sitting around. You don't have a job, there is no reason our house shouldn't be clean everyday. If I was a stay at home mom I assume it would be expected of me to keep a clean house." OUCH.
It's not his choice he doesn't have a job. Well he probably could go work somewhere but it wouldn't be as an electrician and it would be for far less pay and even less then what he receives on unemployment. He would love to be working.
I feel terrible and I am trying to work up the courage to apologize. Why must I be so hurtful?
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Anxiety
During my pregnancy and for the first 5 months or so of Andrew's life I had a lot of anxiety attacks. It was usually on the way to visit him in the hospital and before and during appointments. I've adjusted to the stress so I haven't had an attack in a while.
Andrew had an appointment today. Nothing big, just a weight check-in and check in with the doctor. I'd actually been looking forward to see how much he has gained. About half way to the hospital, it hit me. That elephant was back on my chest, my throat tightened up and it was hard to breathe. What the heck? I thought I was past this? It scared me.
I think part of the problem is the reality of CHD. I am scared of losing Andrew. For a few months I forgot about that fear but with the recent passing of a 44 year old CHDer it brought it back. What does Andrew's future hold? I honestly don't think I want to know. We're going to make the most of everyday. I want him to have the happiest, most normal life as possible. Heck, I want that for both my boys. If tomorrow never comes would they know how much I love them? I sure hope so.
Andrew had an appointment today. Nothing big, just a weight check-in and check in with the doctor. I'd actually been looking forward to see how much he has gained. About half way to the hospital, it hit me. That elephant was back on my chest, my throat tightened up and it was hard to breathe. What the heck? I thought I was past this? It scared me.
I think part of the problem is the reality of CHD. I am scared of losing Andrew. For a few months I forgot about that fear but with the recent passing of a 44 year old CHDer it brought it back. What does Andrew's future hold? I honestly don't think I want to know. We're going to make the most of everyday. I want him to have the happiest, most normal life as possible. Heck, I want that for both my boys. If tomorrow never comes would they know how much I love them? I sure hope so.
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