http://obituaries.expressionstributes.com/?mobile=ad1a220853
What a loving write up for such a little one. Wyatt's mom posted this this morning on our Truncus support group page. She also left this comment "We were putting on his coat to go see Christmas lights and he just got "frozen" and his pupils took up all of his eyes. We called 911 and I did CPR until the first responders came. They continued but couldn't save him. Ambulance to the nearest hospital only to have our worst fear confirmed. He had an arrythmia and died quickly and painlessly. Thank you all for your prayers. Please keep them coming."
Rest in peace sweet Wyatt.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
The Unknown
While checking out Facebook tonight I came across a posting by a fellow Truncus heart mom of the song "All of Me" by Matt Hammitt. I have wanted to hear this song for a while so it struck my interest. I read a comment below her posting that said "Such a touching song - I hope you can find some comfort during this time. Know that you have all of our prayers." I had to read it twice and then thought to myself, what the heck are they talking about?
I went into her facebook wall and found numerous postings by friends and family sending their prayers for the loss of their son. Tears immediately filled my eyes. I searched for a posting by her that would explain. The last posting by her was on Saturday that was with a picture of an ornament her and her son had made. There was no mention of anything wrong with little Wyatt. I checked the Truncus Arteriosus board on Facebook and she had posted a question on Sunday - "
I went into her facebook wall and found numerous postings by friends and family sending their prayers for the loss of their son. Tears immediately filled my eyes. I searched for a posting by her that would explain. The last posting by her was on Saturday that was with a picture of an ornament her and her son had made. There was no mention of anything wrong with little Wyatt. I checked the Truncus Arteriosus board on Facebook and she had posted a question on Sunday - "
Friday, December 2, 2011
A Baby Story
I can't believe that our little Katelyn is a month old tomorrow. Where did that time go? I haven't written down her birth story and I realized I have been slacking on blogging. So I figured I'd blog the birth story! So here goes.
I was originally due October 24th but that day passed by with out really any indication that our baby girl would be gracing us with her presence. I went to the doctor on October 27th and we set up an induction for November 2nd/3rd. I wasn't too thrilled with this but I figured it wouldn't hurt to get it scheduled. She had to come out at some point right? I really didn't want to be induced. I was induced with both boys. I wanted to wake in the middle of the night and frantically have to get ready to get to the hospital. I left the appointment hoping that my body would do it's job and that I would have this baby on my own.
No such luck. November 2nd came and no baby. We dropped the boys off at my grandparents. The nerves really started setting in at that point. I kept telling Dave that I wasn't ready for the needles and pain that would be coming. Deep down my real fear was if this little girl was going to be all right.
We got to the hospital and settled into our birthing room. These were newly remodeled so that was kind of nice! They did a cervical check and I was already at 4cm. I got my IV and they started pitocin around 8:30pm. My contractions didn't become real painful until around 9:30 or so. They checked my cervix again - this time a 6 with a bulging bag. That made mad me a little nervous. With the boys after my water would break my contractions come on FAST. I decided that we could let anesthesia know I wanted my epidural. Of course they were busy so we waited. Around 10:30 another cervix check - still a 6 - my water breaks! Oh boy! I started crying and told them I was scared.
My nurse tells me that maybe I should just do this without an epidural. I said "Are you crazy?" and she laughed. She was a sweet lady. They located anesthesia and told them we needed them NOW. They came in and decided to do a spinal/epidural combo. The spinal would do a real good job numbing for about an hour and then the epidural would kick in and the numbness would decrease. Just before midnight the epidural was in place and I was starting to feel good. They gave me a popsicle and dimmed the lights so I could "rest".
A few minutes later my popsicle gets taken away (how dare they!) to put on an oxygen mask. The baby's heartrate was decreasing with the last few contractions. 5 minutes later the nurse comes in again and baby's heartrate is still decreasing and I needed to flip on my side. Doesn't help so I have to flip again. They place internal monitors to track baby's heartrate. They continue to flip me as the decels were becoming alarming to them.
Just before 1am, 5 or 6 people come in the room (we later found out they were coming in to wheel me to the OR for a c-section!). During the last contraction baby's heartrate hadn't come back up. The doctor checked one last time and baby was crowning! I couldn't feel ANYTHING because of the spinal. They told me to push - head is out. Then I hear "don't push!" The cord was wrapped around her neck and her arm was up by her head as she came out. With each contraction it was cutting off her oxygen supply. How scary! One more push and she was here at 1:10am on November 3rd.
She cried a sweet cry and they placed her on my chest. She was so little! I held her for a while and Dave cut the cord. It was amazing. 7lbs even and 20.75 inches long. So precious and so perfect. My smallest but longest baby with a full head of dark brown hair. We snuggled while we waited to go to our post-partum room.
I had a wonderful recovery. Honestly I didn't feel like I had just given birth. We stayed just 36 hours in the hospital. The normal tests were done - Minnesota newborn screening, hearing, and billirubin level. And per my request (even with our history, how sad is that?! I'll have to post more on that next time.) a pulse ox was done on all 4 extremities. ALL 100%!!
It took a while to finalize a name. We went with Katelyn Elise. I have always liked the name Katelyn and I pictured a little Katie with pig tails running around our house. Dave and I both liked the name Elise. When pronounced you can hear "lee" which is my middle name. Elise is also a form of a Elizabeth which was Dave's late grandmother's middle name. It fits perfectly.
We are so blessed and all so smitten with our little girl. Our family is complete. <3
I was originally due October 24th but that day passed by with out really any indication that our baby girl would be gracing us with her presence. I went to the doctor on October 27th and we set up an induction for November 2nd/3rd. I wasn't too thrilled with this but I figured it wouldn't hurt to get it scheduled. She had to come out at some point right? I really didn't want to be induced. I was induced with both boys. I wanted to wake in the middle of the night and frantically have to get ready to get to the hospital. I left the appointment hoping that my body would do it's job and that I would have this baby on my own.
No such luck. November 2nd came and no baby. We dropped the boys off at my grandparents. The nerves really started setting in at that point. I kept telling Dave that I wasn't ready for the needles and pain that would be coming. Deep down my real fear was if this little girl was going to be all right.
We got to the hospital and settled into our birthing room. These were newly remodeled so that was kind of nice! They did a cervical check and I was already at 4cm. I got my IV and they started pitocin around 8:30pm. My contractions didn't become real painful until around 9:30 or so. They checked my cervix again - this time a 6 with a bulging bag. That made mad me a little nervous. With the boys after my water would break my contractions come on FAST. I decided that we could let anesthesia know I wanted my epidural. Of course they were busy so we waited. Around 10:30 another cervix check - still a 6 - my water breaks! Oh boy! I started crying and told them I was scared.
My nurse tells me that maybe I should just do this without an epidural. I said "Are you crazy?" and she laughed. She was a sweet lady. They located anesthesia and told them we needed them NOW. They came in and decided to do a spinal/epidural combo. The spinal would do a real good job numbing for about an hour and then the epidural would kick in and the numbness would decrease. Just before midnight the epidural was in place and I was starting to feel good. They gave me a popsicle and dimmed the lights so I could "rest".
A few minutes later my popsicle gets taken away (how dare they!) to put on an oxygen mask. The baby's heartrate was decreasing with the last few contractions. 5 minutes later the nurse comes in again and baby's heartrate is still decreasing and I needed to flip on my side. Doesn't help so I have to flip again. They place internal monitors to track baby's heartrate. They continue to flip me as the decels were becoming alarming to them.
Just before 1am, 5 or 6 people come in the room (we later found out they were coming in to wheel me to the OR for a c-section!). During the last contraction baby's heartrate hadn't come back up. The doctor checked one last time and baby was crowning! I couldn't feel ANYTHING because of the spinal. They told me to push - head is out. Then I hear "don't push!" The cord was wrapped around her neck and her arm was up by her head as she came out. With each contraction it was cutting off her oxygen supply. How scary! One more push and she was here at 1:10am on November 3rd.
She cried a sweet cry and they placed her on my chest. She was so little! I held her for a while and Dave cut the cord. It was amazing. 7lbs even and 20.75 inches long. So precious and so perfect. My smallest but longest baby with a full head of dark brown hair. We snuggled while we waited to go to our post-partum room.
I had a wonderful recovery. Honestly I didn't feel like I had just given birth. We stayed just 36 hours in the hospital. The normal tests were done - Minnesota newborn screening, hearing, and billirubin level. And per my request (even with our history, how sad is that?! I'll have to post more on that next time.) a pulse ox was done on all 4 extremities. ALL 100%!!
It took a while to finalize a name. We went with Katelyn Elise. I have always liked the name Katelyn and I pictured a little Katie with pig tails running around our house. Dave and I both liked the name Elise. When pronounced you can hear "lee" which is my middle name. Elise is also a form of a Elizabeth which was Dave's late grandmother's middle name. It fits perfectly.
We are so blessed and all so smitten with our little girl. Our family is complete. <3
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Randomness
Well Dave left again this morning for North Dakota. I'm not excited. Quite frankly I'm sick of this. I know this is really wearing on Dave as well. Originally talk had been that he was going to stay this trip until a week before my due date. Thankfully that has changed and he will most likely be coming home the first week of October. It sounds like work is supposed to be picking up in Rochester with all the projects the Mayo Clinic has coming up. I hope it is true because this would be so good for Dave and others like Dave that have been without jobs in the area for over 2.5 years. Crossing my fingers!!
Andrew had a heart cath last week to balloon open one his arteries. I was so nervous. I did a lot better then I thought I would. I didn't shed a tear until I heard his raspy cries in the recovery room. He did so well and I'm so proud of him. He was so ticked off for most of the time but towards the end of the stay he was getting better. They scheduled an echo for the morning. They were going to try it unsedated. I thought, good luck! This kid hates stethescopes and you are going to expect him to sit still for an echo?! I laid with him on the bed and he did so good! He was a little whiny at first but let them get all the pictures they needed! I was amazed. Hopefully for his next echo in 3 months he will do just as well.
My pregnancy is going good. 34 weeks now! This pregnancy is different then the last 2. I'm really feeling this one! I'm beginning to think about labor and how that is all going to go. I'm hoping to go into labor on my own as I was induced with both boys. I want the excitement of not knowing when she is coming. My fear right now is that for some reason I will go into labor early and Dave won't make it here. I wouldn't want anyone else in the room with me and I wouldn't want Dave to miss it. He is 12 hours away and I think they say your labors get shorter with each child. Good thing he'll be home sooner then originally planned. It will put me more at ease! I have a few other fears right now but I'll have to post on those later.
Andrew had a heart cath last week to balloon open one his arteries. I was so nervous. I did a lot better then I thought I would. I didn't shed a tear until I heard his raspy cries in the recovery room. He did so well and I'm so proud of him. He was so ticked off for most of the time but towards the end of the stay he was getting better. They scheduled an echo for the morning. They were going to try it unsedated. I thought, good luck! This kid hates stethescopes and you are going to expect him to sit still for an echo?! I laid with him on the bed and he did so good! He was a little whiny at first but let them get all the pictures they needed! I was amazed. Hopefully for his next echo in 3 months he will do just as well.
My pregnancy is going good. 34 weeks now! This pregnancy is different then the last 2. I'm really feeling this one! I'm beginning to think about labor and how that is all going to go. I'm hoping to go into labor on my own as I was induced with both boys. I want the excitement of not knowing when she is coming. My fear right now is that for some reason I will go into labor early and Dave won't make it here. I wouldn't want anyone else in the room with me and I wouldn't want Dave to miss it. He is 12 hours away and I think they say your labors get shorter with each child. Good thing he'll be home sooner then originally planned. It will put me more at ease! I have a few other fears right now but I'll have to post on those later.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
In the dumps
It's been so long since my last post! We're all doing good here. Summer seems to be flying by although it drags along at the same time with Dave gone so much. We're half way through this recent trip and he will be home on Friday for a week or so. I miss him terribly. My emotions got the best of me last night and I've just about hit my breaking point. It was hard not to cry during work today. It's not really that BIG of a deal but when I have a bunch of things coming at me at once I can only handle so much of it before I break. This is probably going to turn into a poor me post sorry!!
Pregnancy is going good. Most of the time I feel pretty good. It is getting harder to do things and I am so exhausted all the time. I feel like the boys don't get the time and attention like they should in the evenings because I'm so tired. Then there is the episodes of pain I have been having. I have had about 5-6 of them now probably going back to 12 weeks along. I was thinking it was gas but the pain just seems way too intense and I'm not really eating gassy foods/drinks. The other night I was knocked to my knees and cried from the pain. It is just below my rib cage and last around 3-5 minutes. It almost feels like the pain of contraction where the pain gets more and more intense and then works back down. Then I usually feel icky for a couple days following. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow so we'll see what she says. From some of the symptoms I'm thinking maybe it has to do with my gallbladder but who knows!
I have my glucose testing tomorrow which for some reason has me worried. I'm sure it will be fine and I didn't have gestational diabetes with the boys so I'm sure I won't have it this time. If I do I'm pretty sure I will freak out!
Andrew had a cardiology appointment yesterday that went good. They have ordered a CT scan to look at his right branch pulmonary artery. At first I was fine with it but now I'm getting all scared about it. It sounds like an easy test but it's another test. Ugh. Why can't it just be, "he's fixed! we don't ever have to see you again!"
So just too much at once for me to process. I'm too much of a worrier and my emotions have gotten the best of me!! And I can't even have a bowl of ice cream tonight because of the stupid glucose test!
Ok. I feel a little better now. :o)
Pregnancy is going good. Most of the time I feel pretty good. It is getting harder to do things and I am so exhausted all the time. I feel like the boys don't get the time and attention like they should in the evenings because I'm so tired. Then there is the episodes of pain I have been having. I have had about 5-6 of them now probably going back to 12 weeks along. I was thinking it was gas but the pain just seems way too intense and I'm not really eating gassy foods/drinks. The other night I was knocked to my knees and cried from the pain. It is just below my rib cage and last around 3-5 minutes. It almost feels like the pain of contraction where the pain gets more and more intense and then works back down. Then I usually feel icky for a couple days following. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow so we'll see what she says. From some of the symptoms I'm thinking maybe it has to do with my gallbladder but who knows!
I have my glucose testing tomorrow which for some reason has me worried. I'm sure it will be fine and I didn't have gestational diabetes with the boys so I'm sure I won't have it this time. If I do I'm pretty sure I will freak out!
Andrew had a cardiology appointment yesterday that went good. They have ordered a CT scan to look at his right branch pulmonary artery. At first I was fine with it but now I'm getting all scared about it. It sounds like an easy test but it's another test. Ugh. Why can't it just be, "he's fixed! we don't ever have to see you again!"
So just too much at once for me to process. I'm too much of a worrier and my emotions have gotten the best of me!! And I can't even have a bowl of ice cream tonight because of the stupid glucose test!
Ok. I feel a little better now. :o)
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Fetal Echo
Tomorrow is my fetal echo for this new baby. Dave has to leave for ND in the morning so I'll be going to the appointment alone. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I'm hoping and praying that everything looks great.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
World War 3
I'm going insane! It is like world war 3 in my house today! Eric won't stop irritating Andrew and Andrew won't stop irritating Eric. I love my kids but I seriously need a mommy vacay!!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
And it's a...
HEALTHY BABY!!
I should have posted Friday night. I posted to facebook but forgot about the blog.
I was so nervous before the ultrasound Friday morning. Dave kept getting after me at home because I was literally pacing. Once we got to the hospital I was so happy to see that our sonographer was one of the same sonographers we had when we found out Andrew's diagnosis. She remembered us so that made it a little better. We were in the same room which was eerie but I didn't think too much of it. She took all her measurements and looked at the heart last. We also found out we are having a baby girl. What a perfect addition to our family.
Of course I over analyzed everything that was said. She said "being only 18 weeks the heart is about the size of my pinky nail so we may not get the pictures we need." That translated to me as "I already see problems." Nope not the case! She said "baby has such a pretty heart" and "oh my gosh you guys, this is so beautiful!" That is when I cried. I didn't even realize it but felt the tears roll down to my ears. As she finished up and looked all her pictures she gave me a little scare again. She wanted to take one more look (I think at the brain) and did it really quickly then told me to stay put as she was going to check with Dr. Rose. Oh no, what did she see? She couldn't find Dr. Rose at that moment and told us she thought we were good to go. Phew!!
Back to the waiting room to wait for the follow up appointment with Dr. Rose. Once we got in to see him he came in and told us the ultrasound pictures looked wonderful and that he was so happy for us. I love that man, he is so darn happy and genuine. He is in the perfect profession. He then told us he would schedule us for a fetal echo just to be sure everything is perfect with the warning that they may find something ultrasound didn't pick up. I'm not really worried for that now. Talk to me the day before and I may have changed my mind. :o)
The walk back to the car was simply amazing. It was a HUGE difference from the last time we walked that walk together. I could hardly walk last time and this time I wanted to skip through the halls! This big weight has been lifted from my chest and it feels so great! We did a little shopping and of course bought a "little sister" onsie and another little outfit. I'm so excited for my little girl.
I came home tonight and decided to look at the pictures we got from the ultrasound. They have a new technology where they can scan pictures to disc for you to take home. So cool! I was shocked to find 3 short videos on there as well. The first one I opened just happened to be a video of baby's heart beating. Tears again and I just can't believe how lucky we are. I wish I could figure out how to block out my personal information to show the video. A picture is just going to have to do.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers!
I should have posted Friday night. I posted to facebook but forgot about the blog.
I was so nervous before the ultrasound Friday morning. Dave kept getting after me at home because I was literally pacing. Once we got to the hospital I was so happy to see that our sonographer was one of the same sonographers we had when we found out Andrew's diagnosis. She remembered us so that made it a little better. We were in the same room which was eerie but I didn't think too much of it. She took all her measurements and looked at the heart last. We also found out we are having a baby girl. What a perfect addition to our family.
Of course I over analyzed everything that was said. She said "being only 18 weeks the heart is about the size of my pinky nail so we may not get the pictures we need." That translated to me as "I already see problems." Nope not the case! She said "baby has such a pretty heart" and "oh my gosh you guys, this is so beautiful!" That is when I cried. I didn't even realize it but felt the tears roll down to my ears. As she finished up and looked all her pictures she gave me a little scare again. She wanted to take one more look (I think at the brain) and did it really quickly then told me to stay put as she was going to check with Dr. Rose. Oh no, what did she see? She couldn't find Dr. Rose at that moment and told us she thought we were good to go. Phew!!
Back to the waiting room to wait for the follow up appointment with Dr. Rose. Once we got in to see him he came in and told us the ultrasound pictures looked wonderful and that he was so happy for us. I love that man, he is so darn happy and genuine. He is in the perfect profession. He then told us he would schedule us for a fetal echo just to be sure everything is perfect with the warning that they may find something ultrasound didn't pick up. I'm not really worried for that now. Talk to me the day before and I may have changed my mind. :o)
The walk back to the car was simply amazing. It was a HUGE difference from the last time we walked that walk together. I could hardly walk last time and this time I wanted to skip through the halls! This big weight has been lifted from my chest and it feels so great! We did a little shopping and of course bought a "little sister" onsie and another little outfit. I'm so excited for my little girl.
I came home tonight and decided to look at the pictures we got from the ultrasound. They have a new technology where they can scan pictures to disc for you to take home. So cool! I was shocked to find 3 short videos on there as well. The first one I opened just happened to be a video of baby's heart beating. Tears again and I just can't believe how lucky we are. I wish I could figure out how to block out my personal information to show the video. A picture is just going to have to do.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Tomorrow
Tomorrow morning I have my anatomy ultrasound. I am terrified. I've been having lots of heart palpitations today which I usually have when I'm full of anxiety and I felt physically sick for most of the day. Thankfully the ultrasound is at 9am so I won't have to wait all day for it. Extra views have been ordered of the heart so they will get all the pictures they need. I'm sure if there is any concern they will get us into cardiology right away. After the ultrasound we will meet with my high risk doctor, Dr. Rose. He is seriously the greatest doctor ever. He was there the day we found out about Andrew's defects and he was/is so caring. I am happy to be in his care in case something is wrong.
I had a quick ultrasound with my family med doctor on Wednesday. Her comment during the ultrasound was, "well I'm not a sonographer but I see 4 chambers of the heart". Well great! Does she realize that there are plenty of defects that don't have much to do with the chambers?! My response was "well we had 4 chambers before and that didn't mean anything". And she also almost seemed surprised that I was nervous for the Level II ultrasound. Come on lady, where's the compassion?
Not many people get it. I keep getting "do you know what you're having yet?" or "I bet you're hoping for a girl!" Honestly, I would really like a little girl BUT I really wouldn't mind having another boy. What I really really want is a perfectly healthy, happy, beautiful baby. When I express my fear people either change the subject or say "oh it will be just fine" without much feeling. Thanks, glad you care. I've come to the conclusion that no one will understand unless they have been there. It's still hard to not be hurt sometimes by their words.
All I have left to say is there better be a healthy baby in there.
Oh yeah AND I'm hoping to be sharing a very positive, happy post tomorrow!!
I had a quick ultrasound with my family med doctor on Wednesday. Her comment during the ultrasound was, "well I'm not a sonographer but I see 4 chambers of the heart". Well great! Does she realize that there are plenty of defects that don't have much to do with the chambers?! My response was "well we had 4 chambers before and that didn't mean anything". And she also almost seemed surprised that I was nervous for the Level II ultrasound. Come on lady, where's the compassion?
Not many people get it. I keep getting "do you know what you're having yet?" or "I bet you're hoping for a girl!" Honestly, I would really like a little girl BUT I really wouldn't mind having another boy. What I really really want is a perfectly healthy, happy, beautiful baby. When I express my fear people either change the subject or say "oh it will be just fine" without much feeling. Thanks, glad you care. I've come to the conclusion that no one will understand unless they have been there. It's still hard to not be hurt sometimes by their words.
All I have left to say is there better be a healthy baby in there.
Oh yeah AND I'm hoping to be sharing a very positive, happy post tomorrow!!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Finally!
I've been having issues with my wardrobe for a couple of weeks now. Because of my weight loss and being 20 pounds lighter then I was in my last pregnancy none of my maternity pants fit. They are huge in the thighs and just do not look good. My fat pants are too big and my current pants are now too small! I've been trying the whole belly band thing and it just isn't working anymore!
There are a couple of reasons I haven't gone out to buy anything. 1. We are short on extra funds and I'm hate dipping into savings and only put things on my credit card that I will payoff at the end of the month. 2. I'm scared. I need to get over it but in the back of my head there is a huge WHAT IF sketched into my skull.
Somehow I got past it today and bought 2 pairs of pants in a LARGE!! Whoop, whoop! and 3 shirts on the clearance rack - 1 large one!!. As crazy as it sounds, I'm excited for work tomorrow and to be comfortable!
I can sense some excitement which is so good and I'm getting happier. :o)
There are a couple of reasons I haven't gone out to buy anything. 1. We are short on extra funds and I'm hate dipping into savings and only put things on my credit card that I will payoff at the end of the month. 2. I'm scared. I need to get over it but in the back of my head there is a huge WHAT IF sketched into my skull.
Somehow I got past it today and bought 2 pairs of pants in a LARGE!! Whoop, whoop! and 3 shirts on the clearance rack - 1 large one!!. As crazy as it sounds, I'm excited for work tomorrow and to be comfortable!
I can sense some excitement which is so good and I'm getting happier. :o)
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Fear
I haven't posted in so long and there are a couple of reasons for that. The main reason is that Dave has been gone and I think I've had a chance to turn on the computer maybe 3 times this month. There is so much to do when you are the only parent around! Another reason is I have dreaded writing this post. I know it is going to hurt at least one of my readers (I think I might only have one reader but who knows!). I have had a lot of emotion with this though and I really need to write about it.
About 9 weeks ago Dave and I found out that we are expecting. We were still in the process of discussing if we wanted to have more children so this was a bit of a surprise. Apparently I was rather naive in thinking this wouldn't happen without planning it. We tried for a year for Eric and almost 1.5 years for Andrew and bam when you aren't trying it happens. And I know it's not fair that people get pregnant when they aren't trying. I've had those feelings and jealousy before both of my pregnancies. I've asked why this happened so fast when we weren't quite ready.
So after finding out, I was excited for a couple hours and then I don't know what happened. Don't get me wrong, I love the baby and wouldn't change anything but I'm having a really hard time with this. I am terrified that something is going to be wrong. I have been scared before both of my appointments now expecting to go in and hear bad news. I know I am going to be an absolute wreck before my big ultrasound.
Because this was a surprise I was not taking a prenatal for those first 5 weeks. What is going to happen? All I hear in my head is my doc saying at my 6 week post-partum visit "If you decide to have another baby, make sure to be taking a prenatal vitamin. The folic acid helps tremendously to prevent heart defects." I was taking a vitamin for a year before Andrew and look what happened. So for the first 3 weeks of development this baby has been deprived of that. What was I thinking?
I wanted to be a healthier weight when I got pregnant again. I've read that one of the suspected causes of heart defects is an overweight mother. I did learn that I am 20 pounds lighter then I was when I was first pregnant with Andrew so I hope that helps.
At Andrew's last cardiologist appointment his cardiologist went over our chances of another CHD baby. Because of Andrew's defect and some family history our chance is 6-7%. AND no one seems to get how scary that is. I've mentioned this to a few people and they all say "Oh that's such a small percentage. This baby will be fine." REALLY? We were already 1% and 6-7% is a lot higher then that in my opinion!
So with Dave gone, I have had no one to really talk to about this. I feel so alone. It is so weird to me and once again I was so naive. Receiving Andrew's diagnosis at my 20 week ultrasound made me lose the innocence and excitement of the rest of that pregnancy. I always told Dave that it would be nice to be pregnant again and have an exciting stress free pregnancy. Instead these first 18 weeks are stressful. How did I actually think this would be a joyous walk in the park? I want to be happy but I'm stuck in that rut again where I don't want to get attached just in case.
I am so scared. I just really want to be happy and excited.
About 9 weeks ago Dave and I found out that we are expecting. We were still in the process of discussing if we wanted to have more children so this was a bit of a surprise. Apparently I was rather naive in thinking this wouldn't happen without planning it. We tried for a year for Eric and almost 1.5 years for Andrew and bam when you aren't trying it happens. And I know it's not fair that people get pregnant when they aren't trying. I've had those feelings and jealousy before both of my pregnancies. I've asked why this happened so fast when we weren't quite ready.
So after finding out, I was excited for a couple hours and then I don't know what happened. Don't get me wrong, I love the baby and wouldn't change anything but I'm having a really hard time with this. I am terrified that something is going to be wrong. I have been scared before both of my appointments now expecting to go in and hear bad news. I know I am going to be an absolute wreck before my big ultrasound.
Because this was a surprise I was not taking a prenatal for those first 5 weeks. What is going to happen? All I hear in my head is my doc saying at my 6 week post-partum visit "If you decide to have another baby, make sure to be taking a prenatal vitamin. The folic acid helps tremendously to prevent heart defects." I was taking a vitamin for a year before Andrew and look what happened. So for the first 3 weeks of development this baby has been deprived of that. What was I thinking?
I wanted to be a healthier weight when I got pregnant again. I've read that one of the suspected causes of heart defects is an overweight mother. I did learn that I am 20 pounds lighter then I was when I was first pregnant with Andrew so I hope that helps.
At Andrew's last cardiologist appointment his cardiologist went over our chances of another CHD baby. Because of Andrew's defect and some family history our chance is 6-7%. AND no one seems to get how scary that is. I've mentioned this to a few people and they all say "Oh that's such a small percentage. This baby will be fine." REALLY? We were already 1% and 6-7% is a lot higher then that in my opinion!
So with Dave gone, I have had no one to really talk to about this. I feel so alone. It is so weird to me and once again I was so naive. Receiving Andrew's diagnosis at my 20 week ultrasound made me lose the innocence and excitement of the rest of that pregnancy. I always told Dave that it would be nice to be pregnant again and have an exciting stress free pregnancy. Instead these first 18 weeks are stressful. How did I actually think this would be a joyous walk in the park? I want to be happy but I'm stuck in that rut again where I don't want to get attached just in case.
I am so scared. I just really want to be happy and excited.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
By Myself
Well Dave has been gone for about a week now. Due to there being NO jobs for him in our area he decided to head up to North Dakota. It doesn't seem too glamorous. His housing accommodations (although free) aren't the nicest and it isn't a 7-3 job like he's used to. So far it has been long hours and usually in the middle of the night.
We're doing ok here at home. I must admit that it is hard. I am a very spoiled wife especially the last 22 months with a house husband! Dave enjoys cooking so to be honest I haven't had to cook a meal in a very long time and as sad as it is to admit I've pretty much forgotten how to do anything. I don't usually get home until around 6 and it is hard to whip something up quickly. I can make a mean frozen pizza but that doesn't really work for an 11 month old. All last week the house was a disaster and we didn't get any laundry done. Today was clean up day and tomorrow is laundry I guess!
We did this once before when Eric was a year old. Dave went to Washington state for one month to work. It was a lot easier then with only one kid. The one thing I will never forget is mowing the lawn with Eric riding in one of those carriers on my back. I'm sure it was quite a sight. I hope I didn't damage him with all that loud noise!! Then again, maybe that's why he never hears me...
Dave is going to see how these two weeks go up there. If it is tolerable and worth it, he will come home for two weeks and then go back for three weeks and keep up an alternating schedule like that until he can find something a little more convenient and hopefully in the area. They had wanted him to stay for three weeks this first time but we've got some pretty big birthdays coming up. He'll miss Andrew's unfortunately but will be home for his golden birthday. It'll just have to be a combined birthday party!
P.S. Can a blog have a P.S.? I just have to give props to the military wives and single mammas out there. It's hard work all by yourself!
We're doing ok here at home. I must admit that it is hard. I am a very spoiled wife especially the last 22 months with a house husband! Dave enjoys cooking so to be honest I haven't had to cook a meal in a very long time and as sad as it is to admit I've pretty much forgotten how to do anything. I don't usually get home until around 6 and it is hard to whip something up quickly. I can make a mean frozen pizza but that doesn't really work for an 11 month old. All last week the house was a disaster and we didn't get any laundry done. Today was clean up day and tomorrow is laundry I guess!
We did this once before when Eric was a year old. Dave went to Washington state for one month to work. It was a lot easier then with only one kid. The one thing I will never forget is mowing the lawn with Eric riding in one of those carriers on my back. I'm sure it was quite a sight. I hope I didn't damage him with all that loud noise!! Then again, maybe that's why he never hears me...
Dave is going to see how these two weeks go up there. If it is tolerable and worth it, he will come home for two weeks and then go back for three weeks and keep up an alternating schedule like that until he can find something a little more convenient and hopefully in the area. They had wanted him to stay for three weeks this first time but we've got some pretty big birthdays coming up. He'll miss Andrew's unfortunately but will be home for his golden birthday. It'll just have to be a combined birthday party!
P.S. Can a blog have a P.S.? I just have to give props to the military wives and single mammas out there. It's hard work all by yourself!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Grandparents
On February 20th, just 1 week after her 95th birthday, Dave's grandma passed away. She caught the flu a few weeks ago and her body wasn't quite able to recover. She was in congestive heart failure and her kidneys had discontinued working. (crazy to think that Andrew has been through both of those already - his kidneys not to that extent but close!) Dave and I attended her funeral this past Wednesday. It was very nicely done and I learned a lot I didn't know from the stories her sons told. For one, her and her husband experienced 3 fires during the early years of their marriage! Crazy! However, I would have much rather have heard those stories from her. My sweetest memory was that at least 3 times a year we would receive a hand written letter from her telling us about how she was doing. That's a lot of writing when you have 22 grand children and 33 great grandchildren! Although I did not know her well she will be missed. She was the sweetest lady.
Dave's grandma's passing made me realize that this day will come sometime for my grandparents. They are still young at 73 and 68 years old. I dread those days that I have to say goodbye. My grandparents are a huge part of my life.
Grandpa spoiled me with his love (and an occasional gift!). I've never met my dad so my grandpa has also been that father figure to me. He would do anything for me. When I was commuting during my last year of college, grandpa bought me a brand new car so I wouldn't have to worry about breaking down on the way there or back. He has bailed me out numerous times when I've locked my keys in my car or needed a ride someplace. He came to all of my soccer games and I'm pretty sure was my biggest fan. We've ridden miles on our bikes together and eaten a few too many ice cream cones.
Grandma spoiled me with gifts and toys beyond my wildest dreams. When I was pregnant with Eric, my grandma made the decision to retire from her job so that she could provide daycare for us free of charge. She loves Eric and now Andrew even more then me I'm sure! They make her days and weeks and she even gets upset when she doesn't get to see them! It is a blessing to be able to drop your children off with someone and not have to worry about them one bit.
This is just a short ode to grandma and grandpa and these words do not do justice of how great they are. I'm so thankful for them. I love these old timers so much and I dread the day when I will have to say goodbye.
Dave's grandma's passing made me realize that this day will come sometime for my grandparents. They are still young at 73 and 68 years old. I dread those days that I have to say goodbye. My grandparents are a huge part of my life.
Grandpa spoiled me with his love (and an occasional gift!). I've never met my dad so my grandpa has also been that father figure to me. He would do anything for me. When I was commuting during my last year of college, grandpa bought me a brand new car so I wouldn't have to worry about breaking down on the way there or back. He has bailed me out numerous times when I've locked my keys in my car or needed a ride someplace. He came to all of my soccer games and I'm pretty sure was my biggest fan. We've ridden miles on our bikes together and eaten a few too many ice cream cones.
Grandma spoiled me with gifts and toys beyond my wildest dreams. When I was pregnant with Eric, my grandma made the decision to retire from her job so that she could provide daycare for us free of charge. She loves Eric and now Andrew even more then me I'm sure! They make her days and weeks and she even gets upset when she doesn't get to see them! It is a blessing to be able to drop your children off with someone and not have to worry about them one bit.
This is just a short ode to grandma and grandpa and these words do not do justice of how great they are. I'm so thankful for them. I love these old timers so much and I dread the day when I will have to say goodbye.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Changes
Another emotional day in our house. Well for me anyway! Tonight around 11:45, Andrew will be consuming his last bottle of breastmilk. We made it 4.5 months past the 6 months I pumped for. I am so proud of this and it seems like such a huge accomplishment for me! Sure we had to buy an extra deep freeze for storage, expensive bags to freeze in, washed countless bottles but it was soooooo worth it! I can't believe that tomorrow he will be a formula fed baby. I feel joyed he made it this long but am sad it has come to an end. I have also made a big decision to stop tracking his milk intake. Ever since we brought him home we have been tracking in a binder. Time to put the binder away. I'm sick of it!
BEFORE - September 2010
Freezer #1 - FULL (except for a box of pancakes and 2 pizzas) I'm pretty sure there were like 300 of those little (annoying) bottles!
Freezer #2 - FULL
AFTER - February 2011 - 4.5 months later!
The last bag :o(
Added for your viewing pleasure. :o)
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Where Did I Go Wrong
I've written before about Andrew's preference of Dave over me. I had kind of accepted it but my emotions are rising again. A few nights ago, Andrew just about threw himself out of my arms to go to Dave. It hurt but I brushed it off. I just know that he really likes his daddy.
This afternoon was AWFUL. He's having a rough time with constipation so I ran bath water hoping that would help (it did). He wanted nothing to do with the bath. I got him out and he still wouldn't stop crying. I went through everything I could think of and he was still screaming. At one point Dave says to Eric, "I'm going to rescue your brother. I'm sick of listening to this." He picks Andrew up and almost instantly he stops. He's been happy ever since.
What did I ever do? A mother's bond is supposed to be strong with their child. Mine couldn't care less if I was around. I carried him for 9 months, I was at his bedside everyday in the hospital (Dave wasn't!!), I pumped for 6 months to give him the best, I have loved him with all my heart and then some. Where did I go wrong? WHAT DID I DO?!
I wish there were some easy answer. This hurt is rough.
This afternoon was AWFUL. He's having a rough time with constipation so I ran bath water hoping that would help (it did). He wanted nothing to do with the bath. I got him out and he still wouldn't stop crying. I went through everything I could think of and he was still screaming. At one point Dave says to Eric, "I'm going to rescue your brother. I'm sick of listening to this." He picks Andrew up and almost instantly he stops. He's been happy ever since.
What did I ever do? A mother's bond is supposed to be strong with their child. Mine couldn't care less if I was around. I carried him for 9 months, I was at his bedside everyday in the hospital (Dave wasn't!!), I pumped for 6 months to give him the best, I have loved him with all my heart and then some. Where did I go wrong? WHAT DID I DO?!
I wish there were some easy answer. This hurt is rough.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Feeling Good
I've always thought our efforts weren't enough when it came to feeding Andrew and making sure he was getting what he needed. I don't know what else we could do but I still felt like I wasn't doing enough. His weight gain has been minimal pretty much all along. Everytime we went to the doctor she said we were doing a good job but deep down I didn't believe it. I was missing something and depriving him.
I have been especially worried lately because his milk intake has dropped A LOT. He is eating solids and table foods but it doesn't seem like that much. It's difficult for me to understand because I've been used to having a goal in ml to hit. I don't even want to have to track food, I already drive myself crazy tracking milk intake!
I was soooo nervous going to his synagis appointment today. I knew he would be weighed and I was worried it was going to be very little or even a loss. Boy was I shocked when it read 7.25kg - I nearly pushed the nurse out of the way to see what the lbs and oz were! I almost fell over when it said 16 lbs exactly!!!! About 2.5 weeks ago he was 15lbs 9oz so this is a pretty big gain for him in the small amount of time! I honestly thought he wouldn't hit 16 until he was a year old.
So I have been giddy all afternoon and evening. He's doing good!! And I am getting closer to believing that we are doing a good job. Something must be working! I think this kid just hates bottles and wants to feed himself. Now I just hope this wasn't just a growth spurt and he keeps it up...
I have been especially worried lately because his milk intake has dropped A LOT. He is eating solids and table foods but it doesn't seem like that much. It's difficult for me to understand because I've been used to having a goal in ml to hit. I don't even want to have to track food, I already drive myself crazy tracking milk intake!
I was soooo nervous going to his synagis appointment today. I knew he would be weighed and I was worried it was going to be very little or even a loss. Boy was I shocked when it read 7.25kg - I nearly pushed the nurse out of the way to see what the lbs and oz were! I almost fell over when it said 16 lbs exactly!!!! About 2.5 weeks ago he was 15lbs 9oz so this is a pretty big gain for him in the small amount of time! I honestly thought he wouldn't hit 16 until he was a year old.
So I have been giddy all afternoon and evening. He's doing good!! And I am getting closer to believing that we are doing a good job. Something must be working! I think this kid just hates bottles and wants to feed himself. Now I just hope this wasn't just a growth spurt and he keeps it up...
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