Fear

I haven't posted in so long and there are a couple of reasons for that.  The main reason is that Dave has been gone and I think I've had a chance to turn on the computer maybe 3 times this month.  There is so much to do when you are the only parent around!  Another reason is I have dreaded writing this post.  I know it is going to hurt at least one of my readers (I think I might only have one reader but who knows!).  I have had a lot of emotion with this though and I really need to write about it.

About 9 weeks ago Dave and I found out that we are expecting.  We were still in the process of discussing if we wanted to have more children so this was a bit of a surprise.  Apparently I was rather naive in thinking this wouldn't happen without planning it.  We tried for a year for Eric and almost 1.5 years for Andrew and bam when you aren't trying it happens.  And I know it's not fair that people get pregnant when they aren't trying.  I've had those feelings and jealousy before both of my pregnancies.  I've asked why this happened so fast when we weren't quite ready.

So after finding out, I was excited for a couple hours and then I don't know what happened.  Don't get me wrong, I love the baby and wouldn't change anything but I'm having a really hard time with this.  I am terrified that something is going to be wrong.  I have been scared before both of my appointments now expecting to go in and hear bad news.  I know I am going to be an absolute wreck before my big ultrasound.

Because this was a surprise I was not taking a prenatal for those first 5 weeks.  What is going to happen?  All I hear in my head is my doc saying at my 6 week post-partum visit "If you decide to have another baby, make sure to be taking a prenatal vitamin.  The folic acid helps tremendously to prevent heart defects."  I was taking a vitamin for a year before Andrew and look what happened.  So for the first 3 weeks of development this baby has been deprived of that.  What was I thinking?

I wanted to be a healthier weight when I got pregnant again.  I've read that one of the suspected causes of heart defects is an overweight mother.  I did learn that I am 20 pounds lighter then I was when I was first pregnant with Andrew so I hope that helps.

At Andrew's last cardiologist appointment his cardiologist went over our chances of another CHD baby.  Because of Andrew's defect and some family history our chance is 6-7%.  AND no one seems to get how scary that is.  I've mentioned this to a few people and they all say "Oh that's such a small percentage.  This baby will be fine."  REALLY?  We were already 1% and 6-7% is a lot higher then that in my opinion!

So with Dave gone, I have had no one to really talk to about this.  I feel so alone.  It is so weird to me and once again I was so naive.  Receiving Andrew's diagnosis at my 20 week ultrasound made me lose the innocence and excitement of the rest of that pregnancy.  I always told Dave that it would be nice to be pregnant again and have an exciting stress free pregnancy.  Instead these first 18 weeks are stressful.  How did I actually think this would be a joyous walk in the park?  I want to be happy but I'm stuck in that rut again where I don't want to get attached just in case.

I am so scared.  I just really want to be happy and excited.