Struggling

I'm struggling tonight.  After getting all the kids in bed I just started crying.  I don't know how to do this.  Three kids is a lot of work and without Dave it seems impossible.  My family is so supportive but I hate relying on them for everything.  I can't seem to get anything done.  My house is a disaster.  I've just about fallen off my diet.  I feel like I don't know how to parent successfully and that I completely suck at it.

I feel so torn in so many directions.  How much more of this can I take?  How do people do this?  There are plenty of moms with dads on the road or dads in the military.  Why can't I do this?  I just feel like such a failure.  I don't want to fail my kids.  Or my marriage for that matter. 

I want to be a super mom and a super wife.  Why can't life just be easy? 

Lonesome

Ok so it's only been 2 weeks tomorrow that Dave has been gone but it seems like FOREVER this time.  I keep very busy but at the end of the day I miss him so much.  I miss being able to just sit and talk to him or hug him or even be annoyed with him.  It makes me miss him more when Eric says things like "I miss daddy so much" completely out of the blue or tonight Andrew saw Dave's wedding band in the bathroom and said "daddy" in the sweetest voice possible.  I miss my best friend.  I feel so alone without him. 

Seven years of marriage at the end of the month and we may not even be together to celebrate...come home soon my love.

Weight Loss

Once again my employer is doing a biggest loser contest.  If you want to participate you pay $5 and at the end the biggest loser wins half the pot and the biggest losing team wins the other half the pot.  Our employer kicks in $.25 per pound lost to be spread amongst the 2nd through 6th place.

We are on week 11 and I'm in 6th place.  I wanted to be the winner but there are some determined people this year!!  I didn't want to go too crazy and jepordize my milk supply.  This program has been a great motivation and just what I needed to get started after having Katelyn.  I have lost 21.6 lbs which is 10 lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight and I am really beginning to like myself.  That is HUGE for me.  I have always had extreemely low self esteem (being a fat girl will do that to you).  I can see changes in my body, I have more energy, people are noticing and complimenting, it is awesome.  I am 1 lb aways from the weight I was in 10th grade which still isn't saying much but that was around 15 years ago. 

I've been following the Weight Watchers plan at home.  I had success with this plan before and it is so doable for me.  I knew it was the right life change that would work.  It is easy for me and I find it fun.  I have not had to work out (I'm not sure how I would time for that right now!) and I think nursing has a lot to do with the success I have had this time.  I have been very good at sticking to the plan though.  I'm proud of myself!

My goal is to lose another 26.2 pounds to put myself in a healthy BMI range.  I can't wait and I'm so excited to get there.  I can't imagine the energy I'll have.  I'll be a way better role model for the kids.  AND I'll get to wear cute clothes!!

Smells

Isn't it weird how certain smells can make you think of certain memories?  I dropped off some CHD family kits to St. Mary's on Friday after work.  As soon as I walked in the door I immediately smelled it.  I don't know if they just cleaned the place or what but it was smelling very hospital like.  I just about choked.  It took me back to 3/25/10, surgery day.  I pictured myself sitting in the awful waiting room WAITING.  I'll admit, I almost broke down.  Walked into 5B and heard the familiar beeping - UGH.  Thankfully there was someone there to take the kits right away.  I'm not sure how much longer I could have taken it!

A couple of weeks ago I was using up some old travel size things I had.  I opened up some shampoo and it just happened to be the shampoo I used after I had Andrew and the few times I stayed at the NICU with him.  It took me back to the little room in the NICU as I got ready for another day by my baby's side.  Thankfully there wasn't much left and it is now gone.

BUT I am loving the smells of grills roasting delicious food lately thanks to this gorgeous weather!  Can't wait for Dave to be home to cook me some burgers!  Oh yeah and just to have him home.  :o)