Anxiety

During my pregnancy and for the first 5 months or so of Andrew's life I had a lot of anxiety attacks.  It was usually on the way to visit him in the hospital and before and during appointments.  I've adjusted to the stress so I haven't had an attack in a while.

Andrew had an appointment today.  Nothing big, just a weight check-in and check in with the doctor.  I'd actually been looking forward to see how much he has gained.  About half way to the hospital, it hit me.  That elephant was back on my chest, my throat tightened up and it was hard to breathe.  What the heck?  I thought I was past this?  It scared me.

I think part of the problem is the reality of CHD.  I am scared of losing Andrew.  For a few months I forgot about that fear but with the recent passing of a 44 year old CHDer it brought it back.  What does Andrew's future hold?  I honestly don't think I want to know.  We're going to make the most of everyday.  I want him to have the happiest, most normal life as possible.  Heck, I want that for both my boys.  If tomorrow never comes would they know how much I love them?  I sure hope so.