Goodbye 2010

2010 you've been bad to us and you've been good to us.  I am happy to be saying goodbye to you!  I hope that 2011 brings joy to our family and others.  I hope that Andrew's health remains good.  I hope my husband is able to become employed.  I hope that we are able to make wise decisions for our family in every way.

New Years has never been a big holiday for me.  In college maybe and of course the year Dave got down on one knee to ask me to spend the rest of my life with him but other then that it's just another day to me.  I'm surprised I'm actually still up at 10:45pm!!

This year New Years is just down right sad.  Heart wrenching.  I have a new friend in my life that should be celebrating the 1st birthday of her daughter tomorrow.  I have been thinking about my friend and her family all day today.  As this eve ticks away, I am finding it hard to hold back my tears for them.  I pray they can make it through tonight, tomorrow, and the upcoming weeks.  I wish I could do more for them.

So goodbye 2010.  Adios.

Oh the Worry

I'm anxiously awaiting Andrew's next cardiology appointment.  Although, I'm terrified at the same time.  Probably a month ago I started noticing that his lips were not quite pink.  I panicked the first day I noticed it.  I consulted Dr. Google who told me that as long as the inside of mouth wasn't blue it wasn't an emergency.  Since that date his lips seem to change colors often usually just a dusky gray but once a distinctive blue.  He's happy and cheerful during these "episodes" so I've kept it in the back of mind as something to bring up at the next appointment in January.

Last night his hands were a dark purple and his nail beds were blue.  I'll admit I'm worried now.  His hands are always cold too.  The rest of his body will be nice and warm and his hands are icebergs.  Its probably nothing (I hope!) but what if it isn't?  I hate all these what ifs.  It's so hard.  I'm constantly checking him over now.  Turning the lights up to get a better look, moving his hands in different directions to take a look at his nail beds, tilting his head to look at his lips and mouth.  I wish there was a button I could push that would give me his stats or tell me he was ok.

I hope I get better at this.  I think they should off a heart parent college course to tell me everything I need to know.  I feel like I don't know anything and the little things probably worry me more then they need to. 

Why Must I Be So Hurtful?

I said something tonight to Dave that I shouldn't have.  At least not in the tone or words I used.  I can tell he is hurt and I feel awful.

We were somewhat arguing about the clean clothes that we hang over the banister when we are folding clothes.  Sometimes they sit there for a couple of days.  I pointed to the ones that are currently there and said, "Now how long have those been there?  These clothes shouldn't be sitting around.  You don't have a job, there is no reason our house shouldn't be clean everyday.  If I was a stay at home mom I assume it would be expected of me to keep a clean house."  OUCH.

It's not his choice he doesn't have a job.  Well he probably could go work somewhere but it wouldn't be as an electrician and it would be for far less pay and even less then what he receives on unemployment.  He would love to be working.

I feel terrible and I am trying to work up the courage to apologize.  Why must I be so hurtful?

Anxiety

During my pregnancy and for the first 5 months or so of Andrew's life I had a lot of anxiety attacks.  It was usually on the way to visit him in the hospital and before and during appointments.  I've adjusted to the stress so I haven't had an attack in a while.

Andrew had an appointment today.  Nothing big, just a weight check-in and check in with the doctor.  I'd actually been looking forward to see how much he has gained.  About half way to the hospital, it hit me.  That elephant was back on my chest, my throat tightened up and it was hard to breathe.  What the heck?  I thought I was past this?  It scared me.

I think part of the problem is the reality of CHD.  I am scared of losing Andrew.  For a few months I forgot about that fear but with the recent passing of a 44 year old CHDer it brought it back.  What does Andrew's future hold?  I honestly don't think I want to know.  We're going to make the most of everyday.  I want him to have the happiest, most normal life as possible.  Heck, I want that for both my boys.  If tomorrow never comes would they know how much I love them?  I sure hope so.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday sweet baby Sam.  Although I never met you, you have touched my life in so many ways.  My heart aches for your family today.  I know your mommy, daddy, brothers and sister would have loved to gather around you to sing and laugh as you tried your first birthday cake.

I reread the caringbridge entry that was posted the day after you were born last night.  You were such a fighter.  I cried just sensing the pain again from your mommy and daddy's words.

You are such a beautiful boy.  I am praying for your mommy, daddy, brothers, and sister on this day.  I hope you enjoy your 1st birthday in heaven.

Weight Loss Update

I'm still going on my way to better me. I've just started my 6th week of my diet. I have been doing great! I was nervous about Halloween and all those delicious sweet treats. I enjoyed a few treats but still kept within my daily calories. I find tracking calories to almost be a game and I kind of enjoy it. Weird I know. I dug some pants out the closet this morning that I used to love and haven't worn in probably over 3 years and they are BIG on me. I need to get a belt! I am so proud of myself. Here is my progress report:

Week 1 - down 4.8 lbs
Week 2 - down 1.6 lbs
Week 3 - down 2.2 lbs
Week 4 - down 3 lbs
Week 5 - down 1 lb

For a total so far of 12.6 lbs in 5 short weeks!!!! My goal is to lose 50 lbs so I am officially 25% of the way there. How AWESOME is that?!

I first started my weight loss goals back in March 2009.  We were having a difficult time getting pregnant and I thought losing weight would help.  I got pregnant in July 2009 after 17 months of trying so I think the weight loss helped!  So I just took a break from weight loss.  A long break and gained a little back!  If I count back to my heaviest weight, I have lost a total of 29.4 lbs.  I'm so shocked!  I'm so excited to get to my goal!

November 11

Veterans' Day is fast approaching.  There are plenty of reminders everywhere - Veterans' Day Sales, cookies ordered to give out at the bank, free bloomin' onion at Outback for Veterans.  I am so thankful for the work these men and women do for our country.  I am very grateful for our freedom.

Unfortunately, 11/11 has a new meaning for me now.  Last year our lives were changed forever when we first heard "there is something wrong with your baby's heart."  I didn't think this date would affect me so much.  One year since I first heard Truncus Arteriosus.  For about 2 weeks now I have been thinking about it - the last few days becoming teary eyed when thinking of it.  I'll never forget that day and remember it so vividly.

We were so excited to go to our 20 week ultrasound.  I was electing to not find out the gender but I was so excited to see the baby.  We had a nice ultrasound tech.  She was very talkative at first pointing out everything to us.  After it seemed like she had shown us everything, she kept focusing on one area, taking multiple pictures.  Deep down I just knew something wasn't right but I kept pushing that thought to the back of my mind. 

The ultrasound tech excused herself and said she was going to check with her supervisor to be sure she got all the pictures they needed.  I didn't read into that statement until she brought the supervisor back in.  "Kate" was super nice, made small talk, and kept saying things like "I'm a fanatic about getting perfect pictures of the heart."  After a while she finally came out and said, "I'm not seeing what I would like to see with the heart.  I'm going to get our on call doctor and have him take a look." 

For some crazy reason, I didn't cry.  I kept telling myself they were wrong.  The doc came in and took some pictures himself and agreed with "Kate".  They gave a quick call to cardiology and we were rushed over for a fetal echocardiogram to get an even closer look at the heart.  I still didn't cry.  I have no idea how I didn't.  I usually cry a lot. 

We booked it across the skyway and up the elevator to have the echo.  The experience was TERRIBLE.  The echo techs do not talk AT ALL.  It was so nerve racking.  At that point I remember a couple tears rolling down my cheeks.  After the echo, the cardiology doc came in and told us the baby had Truncus Arteriosus.  It was a rare and serious defect that would require surgery within the first week of life.

Back down the elevator and across the subway to meet with the doc again.  As he explained the defect to us (from a textbook!) it was so unreal.  How could this be happening to us?  We were offered an amnio to check for Downs, Trisomy 18, or other genetic disorders.  He told us he hadn't seen any other markers for those so he was confident the baby didn't have those.  Then words I was not ready to hear came out of his mouth.  "Medically I have to inform you of your right to terminate the pregnancy."  He went on further telling me how much time I had to legally have it done.  That is when I lost it.  How could I just "get rid" of my baby?!  NEVER.  I started shaking and rocking back and forth on the seat.  I bawled.  I'm positive the doctor almost started crying.  He told me he would be my new OB doc, I think we set up some appointments and left.  (I do not blame him for "offering" termination.  It is part of their job.  He is an AMAZING doctor and by far one of my favorite people on this earth)

The walk back to the car was so long.  I had to lean on Dave to walk.  I cried the whole way.  I'm glad it was late in the day and there weren't many people in the hallways.  We had driven separately but Dave wouldn't let me drive.  Ironically during the ultrasound my mom had called.  Dave let her know something wasn't right with the baby.  She met us at my grandparent's house where we had to pick up Eric.  We walked in the door and they all wanted to know what was going on.  I didn't want to talk about it.  I just wanted to be alone.  I cried, they cried.  It was terrible.

We got home around 9pm.  I went straight to bed.  Of course I couldn't sleep.  I cried myself to sleep for a little while but it didn't last long.  I remember getting out of bed multiple times, trying to watch tv, do something to get my mind off of it.  I couldn't stop crying.  Why my baby?!  What could I have done wrong?  I took my prenatals, didn't drink, don't smoke, I'm young.  WHY?  (Of course now I have found reasons that I do blame myself but I'll save that for another post).

As terrible as that day was and as scary as it made the rest of pregnancy, I'm so glad they discovered the defect before he was born.  I'm positive that having everyone ready is part of why he did so well.

Ganged Up On

I feel so ganged up on today.  First my grandma and the one person that should comfort me (my husband) is now ganging up on me.  Eric got a big old bump on his head tonight and did not want me to help him.  Andrew was fussy all night with me but fine for Dave.  I feel so alone.  I can feel the stress tonight (I don't think I'm all that relaxed with the feeding issues as previously posted), my neck hurts so bad, and all I want to do is cry.

I'd really like to just curl up in bed and stay there all night and day.

Appointments

When Eric was 6 months old I asked my employer if I could have Wednesday afternoons off to spend time with him.  I have always enjoyed this time with him and now with Andrew too.  I am even more thankful for this time now.  I try to schedule Andrew's appointments on these days so I don't miss work.  I think it would have been difficult to have to ask for time off all the time.

With that being said, Andrew has 2 appointments tomorrow.  We're meeting with a dietician to see what she has to say about his slow weight gain.  (Although with a little research online I don't think his gaining is that slow - I think he's just behind from surgery and the long stay in the NICU working on feeding)  Then we have our 2 week follow-up with urology.  I can't believe it's been 2 weeks already!  I really don't know where time goes.

I also had a message tonight from our family medicine nurse.  I'm assuming it is word about the email consult to the GI docs.  I'm anxious to see what they will say.  He's balking at his cereal feedings now and showing reflux symptoms during that too.  Ugh.  I've become more relaxed with it all and I think I'm just used to the poor feedings.  A new trick I learned is to sing "Old McDonald Had a Farm" softly to him while he is feeding.  He seems to take twice as much that way!  I wouldn't be surprised if his first word is Moo!

Friday the 22nd marked his 7 month birthday.  

Boo!



Our family med doctor does care!

I got a call tonight from our family medicine doctor.  She heard from the scheduling desk that we couldn't get into Pediatric GI until the beginning of the year and wanted to get in contact with me.  She is going to put through an e-consult which I guess is basically an email to one of the pediatric GI docs to see what they think.  She said they could want to see him or they might order tests.  If the tests show anything it might get us in faster.  Woohoo!  Sounds like a step in the right direction.  In the mean time she said to start feeding him more cereal which might help with the reflux and gaining weight.

For the last 5 months we've had the same routine at home.  I measure all the milk he drinks and I have a huge book of all the info.  Now I have to change and add cereal?!  How am I going to keep track of what he is taking?  The NICU turned me into a milk tracking fool!  The fear of not knowing what is going on is going to drive me nuts.  I'm going to have to figure something out.

Another change is happening too.  We just finished our last frozen NICU bottles of milk.  They were so easy to thaw and fortify.  Now we're onto bags.  It's no big deal really but I feel like I don't know what I'm doing!  I wish we didn't have to fortify!  It would make it soooo much easier.  AND I'm terrified that the bags are going to leak!!  All that hard work better be protected in that thin plastic!

Weight check tomorrow...hoping for a gain!

Oh the Joys of a LARGE hospital

Andrew is still having a difficult time eating.  The zantac that we got a prescription for made him sick so I stopped that after about 6 days.  Over the past 3 weeks, his daily average has dropped to 17.7oz, a loss of 5.6oz a day.  The low point of his goal is 25 oz/day so he's a ways off!

I called last week and left a message for the pediatrician.  Gave the nurse my facts and I told her I wanted him seen or a new medicine prescribed or something!!  Didn't hear anything last week.  (I think the doc was on vacation)  I called back today and within 30 minutes had the response of "the doc doesn't wanted to prescribe anything else but would like to refer you to a pediatric gastroenterologist."  Ok fine, they transferred me to the appointment desk and they can't get Andrew in until the beginning of the year!!!!!  WHAT?!  They can't put us on a waiting list either because of the large number of patients waiting.  So their advice was to call in everyday to see if there are any cancellations.  So what am I supposed to do in the mean time as my child's throat is becoming more and more raw everyday?!  I'm so frustrated!  I did get a weight check scheduled for Wednesday so we'll see how that goes.

On another note, I got an email this morning that made me chuckle.  It was from whattoexpect.com titled "Getting a Handle on Worrying".  It said, "Feeling consumed with thoughts that your baby isn't sleeping enough, or sleeping too much, or not getting enough to eat, crying too much or not doing what your best friend's sister's baby did at the same age? Is there anything you're not worried about these days?"  I wish these were my only worries.  I have a lot of worry.  Everytime I schedule an appointment, I worry.  I have small anxiety attacks when appointments get close.  (it was so scary the first few times my chest got tight and I couldn't breathe!)  Every cough, every choke, everytime I put him in his bed at night worries me.  Andrew is doing so good but there are too many what ifs.  I've read about too many innocent children that were fine one day and on life support the next.  I worry everyday about everything.  I worry even more about my relationship with Eric.  I worry about finances.  I worry about my relationship with my husband. 

Why can't life just be easy?

Winner, Winner!

I found out today that the we won the Friday Coffee Break contest from our local radio station.  I think I entered a month ago figuring we'd never win.  I had a nice voicemail today from a co-worker saying the station had called.  Soooo free coffee and goodies for us tomorrow!

Although I'll say I am a tad bit nervous about it.  The goodies are bakery items which sadly will not be low cal.  High cal, delicious pastries are not included in my diet plan.  Guess I'll have to skimp somehwere else to make up for it!  I can be strong!  I haven't gone over my calories yet and it has been 1.5 weeks.  AND Monday was my weigh in day and after 1 week, I lost 4.8 pounds.  Woohoo!

I Don't Get It

I was trying to do a post last night about our short hike at the state park last weekend.  I couldn't get the pictures loaded, gave up, and went to bed with my plan being to work on it tonight.  I'm got other things on my mind.

One of my co-workers at work today had bad news today about his son.  His son, we'll call him "B", is 4 and was diagnosed with Williams Syndrome at around the age of 1.  He was also born with a VSD that closed on it's own. Williams Syndrome is not easy (what chromosonal abnormality is?!) and comes with it's own set of problems.  "B" had actually been doing really good.  He was impressing his doctors and therapists.  Recently "B" started complaining of headaches in the back of his head.  His pediatrician is thinking he might have a malformation of his skull which could be pressing on his brain.  This is sometimes seen in Williams kids.  It could be severe enough to have surgery (risky) or minor enough to only require mediciation.  They are waiting to get in for a MRI as soon as possible to take a look.  I hope they get in soon as I know the waiting game is no fun.

As he was telling me this, I couldn't stop the tears.  I don't get it.  I don't understand why children have to go through these things.  This little boy has been through so much already and has such a long hard life ahead of him.  Why does he have to have one more stick thrown on the pile?  No child should have to suffer.  It just makes me so angry.  Children are so innocent!

So I don't get it, I just don't get it.

And The Diet Begins

After getting on the scale this morning (and nearly falling on the floor after reading what it said!) I decided to start my diet today.  Yuck.  What kind of a person starts a diet 4 weeks before Halloween?  Just think of all the chocolate I won't be able to consume.  And then there's Thanksgiving and what about Christmas and all those goodies?  I have to do this though.  Ever since I stopped pumping and haven't been burning an insane amount of calories I have felt like crap.  Our whole family could benefit from eating better.  I feel guilty abusing my perfectly good heart.

When we decided to try to have another baby it took a while to conceive.  After 12 months of trying, I put myself on a diet and 4 months and 27 pounds later I was pregnant!  (But little did I know that obesity can be a cause of heart defects - oh had I only known - but thats a whole 'nother post in itself.)  My diet was successful and it worked for me.  I was feeling good about my body and was dropping clothing sizes.  It was awesome!  I was counting calories / doing weight watchers and working out 3 times a week.

My plan again is to count calories / weight watchers.  I won't be able to work out like before so it will be more challenging.  My goal is to lose 50 pounds to be in my healthy BMI.  I'm really hoping I can do this.  I want to be HOT!

Frustrations Running High

I had a little breakdown last night.  Andrew is not eating well and it is a battle everytime.  He does ok for about an ounce and then he fights it.  He cries, he pulls away, he turns his head, sometimes screams.  I don't get it.  I hate it.  The low end of his goal for feeds is 750 ml.  Saturday he had 504ml, Sunday was at 576ml, Monday was 662ml.  He is so far from goal.  We were just at the cardiologist for an echo so I'm confident it isn't his heart but how is he supposed to grow?  I don't want him to start losing weight.

Part of this is missing out on the night time feed.  When we were at the cardiologist we received conflicting information.  He said we should be waking him at night to feed him.  He also said we shouldn't have to fortify the breastmilk to 24 calories anymore.  This is not what we have been told by the pediatrician.  She said to not let him go more then 4 hours between feedings and to keep fortifying.  I think he still needs that extra feed over night.  And if we were to discontinue fortifying it would make his goal even higher!  How long do you continue to wake a baby at night to feed them?  I don't want to be waking up a two year old and making them eat a sandwich at 2am.  Is this going to contribute to sleeping problems for him?

I'm wondering if maybe he has reflux.  From the little bit I've read on the internet (good ole' Google!) it seems like it could be a very good possibility.  Wanting to sit up while drinking his bottle, crying during, pulling away from the bottle, taking a drink, and then crying again.  He sounds hoarse now while crying during feeding.  I hate it!

We go to the pediatrician tomorrow for his 6 month well baby visit.  I am looking forward to the appointment to see what she says but am also scared that the scale is going to show minimal weight gain or even a loss.  Hopefully she will let us try some reflux medicine for at least a couple weeks to see if that helps.  I am not looking forward to the shots!  We also go to the occupational therapist tomorrow.  She is such a nice lady, I'm looking forward to seeing her.  She'll be happy with Andrew's progress developmental.  I think he is right on track in that department.  Maybe she'll have some bottle advice for me too.  AND since we'll be at St. Mary's maybe we'll stop in the CICU to say hi.  Love those nurses!

And now I can't stop!

Ok, I've said before that I HATE pumping.  My goal was to make it until Andrew's 6 month birthday.  That was Wednesday the 22nd.  I had been counting down the days since around day 62.

Well I made it!  And now I can't stop.  A few weeks ago I cut down to 3 pumps a day, then last week cut down to 2 pumps a day.  I knew I was going to have to wean down and couldn't just quit.  Emotionally and my guilty conscience didn't want to wean too fast and not have enough to feed Andrew each day.  I didn't want to dip into the freezer before I had to.  So here I am at day 187 of pumping and it's weird, I'm kind of ok with the fact that I'm still going.  And so the weaning continues...

On another note, I had to go buy different formula today for fortifying the breastmilk.  Our current half used container was on the recent recall list by Similac.  I wonder how long we have been using tainted formula.  YUCK!  So glad I have been able to provide liquid gold for my little buddy and that he hasn't had to consume all that nasty formula!

Oh there ain't no bugs on me
There ain't no bugs on me
There may be bugs on some of you mugs
But there ain't no bugs on me

Spare Key - We are so thankful!

When Andrew was in the NICU after surgery and the CICU we received an application from the social worker for an organization called Spare Key.  It is a Minnesota organization that helps assist families with a mortgage payment if they have a child that is hospitalized for more then 21 days.  On the application you list your additional expenses and loss of income with being in the hospital so much.  I thought it sounded like an awesome idea and filled out the application.  I didn't think we would get chosen.  Dave was already unemployed so he was missing work to be at the hospital and I was on maternity leave so I wasn't really missing work either.  We were blessed to just barely qualify for medical assistance with the state so we didn't really have medical bills either.

At the beginning of August I received a call from a lady at Spare Key.  She wanted more clarification on our expenses and loss of income.  As I told her the details I kept telling myself there was no way we were going to get approved.  The following week, I learned the Buffalo Wild Wings was hosting a night of dining with 10% of the proceeds going to Spare Key.  I dragged a co-worker with me to enjoy a cold beer and some wings.  I met and talked in person with the lady who I had talked to on the phone the prior week.  She was delighted to put a face to the name and wished me luck.  She informed me I would be finding out if we were chosen on the following Monday.

Monday morning I received a call and learned we had been chosen!!!  Spare Key would be paying our mortgage for the month of September.  What a huge relief!  We were in need of this financial pick me up.  I was so happy!!

Our Home

Last Weekend - Walk and Wedding

This last weekend was a busy one for our family.  Dave and Eric were going to be in a wedding in Delano, MN and Andrew and I were going to Alexandria, MN for the 1st Annual It's My Heart of Southern Minnesota CHD Awareness Walk.

I didn't think I would ever make it to the walk in one piece.  I am the queen of procrastination so of course I left making the Team Andrew t-shirts until Thursday night.  I had my design the way I wanted it, set my printer to "mirror image", printed a test page and everything looked great!  I printed on my special trasfer paper not noticing that the image was no longer "mirrored" and ironed onto the only white onsie I had for Andrew.  Boy was I shocked when I pulled the transfer off and it was backwards!  We live 30 minutes from town so I couldn't just go buy another one!  I frantically searched for a larger sized onsie in the basement and thankfully found one.  I go to the printer to print more transfers and my printer is now out of magenta ink.  REALLY?  So I had a mini freak out and then made a plan to do them in the morning at my grandma's house.

Friday morning I got to my grandma's house early to use her printer and do our t-shirts.  Everything went well and they looked great!  It says to wash the shirts before wearing so I had her do that for me while I was at work.  Around 10am she calls me and tells me that my bright red hearts are now bright orange.  REALLY?  She went to Walmart for me and bought new shirts and transfer paper so I could make MORE shirts after I got done at noon.  I got there and did the shirts and they looked great again.  Phew!  We packed up and headed out of Rochester at 2.  We had to stop in Big Lake to drop Eric off with Dave for the rehearsal dinner so we didn't get to Alexandria until 7ish.  What a long ride.  We checked into the hotel, ate some pizza, talked with some friends, and went to sleep.

Saturday morning was rushed as most of my mornings are.  We got out of the hotel later then I wanted to and then we couldn't find the park.  Sadly, we were late to the walk and missed the opening ceremony.  So mad at myself!  After the beautiful walk by the lake, there was an awards ceremony.  Andrew and I won 3rd place for raising $625.  I was so surprised when I learned we had won a digital photo frame.  I have wanted one of these for a long time!  I was so happy, especially since I was only expecting a t-shirt!



Our Prize!

We had such a good time at the walk.  It was so amazing to see the support that everyone had there.  Angela, the president of the Southern Minnesota chapter of It's My Heart did such an amazing job in memory of her beautiful daughter.  Around $20,000 was raised and over 200 people walked in honor of our CHD warriors and angels.  This far exceeded their goal of $5,000 and how super is that for a 1st annual walk?!  I was so happy for Andrew and I to be a part of this event.  AWESOME!  We can't wait for the next walk in the spring!

After the walk we got in the car and drove to Delano for the wedding.  I guess we were running a little late and got to the wedding in time for the receiving line!  We found out Eric cried the entire time walking down the aisle and had to be escorted out once he made it down because he was bawling.  I don't blame him, I would have cried too if I had a bunch of people I've never seen before staring at me!  We went to the reception at a park.  It was a nice setup but way too many mosquitos!  We ate, talked, wished the couple luck, and headed home.  By this time Andrew was fed up with being in the car and let us know it the whole way home.  Poor little guy.  I'm not taking anymore long driving trips for a while!



Eric followed the photographer everywhere!



Daddy and Andrew (he looks so tiny!)



Colds, Teeth, Mice, Oh My!

I hate colds.  I don't have one right but Eric does.  Since little Eric is so in love with his little brother he can't stay out of his face.  AND he's only 3 so he doesn't always remember to cover his mouth when he coughs.  So what does that mean?  That means little Andrew now has a cold.  GREAT!

Not only does Andrew have a cold but he is also teething hardcore today.  fussy, Fussy, FUSSY!  It's so hard to comfort the little guy.  As if enough drool to fill a small cup wasn't enough, he's got a runny nose that makes the cup run over.  Ugh!

And now a totally unrelated topic...Dave told me this morning that there is a mouse in our garage.  Not just a little fuzzy thing but a HUGE mouse (or maybe a small rat!!).  FREAK ME OUT!  He saw it running across our shelving right by my car.  I was terrified getting in my car this morning.  I was convinced that the mouse was going to run across my foot and then jump in my car.  Stupid thing.  I've been being extra loud while out there to scare him off.  Stay away Mr. Mouse or you're going to have to meet my friend D-Con.

I feel cheated...

Up until a couple of months ago I was very down in the dumps.  I felt like I didn't share the close bond with Andrew that I wanted to have.  I don't know if this is because we were unable to breastfeed, if because I hardly ever bottle fed him (since I was always pumping) or if I missed out on having the normal newborn experience at home with my new baby.  I tried to push the feelings away but they kept popping up so I worked on it.  I made myself available for feedings and spent as much time as possible cuddling him, laughing with him, and playing with him.

I thought things have been going good since the "improvements" in our relationship until tonight.  He's been very fussy lately.  It could be his teeth, his eye, or I think he might maybe have reflux.  The one person that should be able to calm and comfort him, can't.  I could tell he was so tired and would really to just settle in and sleep.  It just seems like he isn't comfortable with me.  I tried several positions and he just kept fighting me and fussing.  My feelings were crushed so I handed him over to Dave and he settled right down, laid on Dave's chest and fell asleep.  Really?  It's supposed to me.  I feel so cheated.  Will I ever be as close to my son as I really want to be...

Spreading Awareness

It's been a week since my last post so I have to get another one done!

Each month at work an employee is recognized on our bulletin board just inside our front door.  My month was July and I was more then excited to post all about CHD.  No customers have come to me and asked about it but I did notice one woman stop today and look at it.  If I only reached one person that is ok, at least one more person is aware!  I have had compliments from co-workers.  It's now August 27th and my board is still up since the next person has gotten their stuff up.  So two months of getting awareness out there, heck maybe we'll get luck and get three months!

Work Bulletin Board

When we first found out we were going to have a baby with a heart defect we told as few people as possible.  I didn't want anybody to know.  Today, I'm more then happy to share with anybody that will listen.

Introducing...Eric!

Eric

This is Eric.  We welcomed him into our lives 3 years ago this last May.  He loves Calliou, construction equipment (especially rollers), juice, riding his bike, laughing, his baby brother, and picking on the dog.  He is a very sweet boy but can be a handful at the same time!!

Introducing...My hubby :o)

This is my husband Dave.

My mom introduced us back in April of 2001. We started dating in May of 2001 and got engaged 12/31/03. We were married 4/30/05 in a wonderful ceremony. It was one of the greatest days of my life. Dave's a great husband and a great dad. He's also an electrician, a hunter, and a fisherman. And he just happens to be great at all of those things too. Lots of love for this man and couldn't imagine life without him.

New Goal!

My new goal is start blogging once a week. I think blogging will be good for me. Before Andrew, I would have probably laughed at the idea of blogging. With a CHD child, life changes. Stress and fear are huge. We're only 4.5 months into this so I'm hoping it gets better. Today I read another mom's blog and how it is helping her to get things out. I need that. I enjoy updating Andrew's caringbridge page so I'm sure I will enjoy this. Now just to get it done!

I'm terrible at sticking with things. BUT before getting pregnant with Andrew I stuck with a diet for 4 months and lost 28 pounds AND I have now been pumping for over 4.5 months. I'm sure I can stick with blogging!

Exclusively Pumping

I'm trying to get in the swing of things with "blogging". I enjoy writing journal style entries but don't seem to have the time to get them done right now. I'm really struggling with caring for a 3 year old, an infant, and pumping.

I hate pumping. Hate, hate, hate it. It takes so much time between set-up, pumping, and clean-up. I really want to make it to Andrew's 6 month birthday. By then I should have around 3 months of freezer supply for him to make it to 9 months. I would really love to quit but I know it is so important for him. He needs to stay healthy and I know this liquid gold will help him out. Eric was breastfed for 6 months and has only been sick 1 or 2 times in his 3 years and only for a day at a time. He has had no ear infections and is the perfect size for his age. Andrew NEEDS to follow this same path. His little heart DESERVES that.

I am so thankful for my supportive husband. Without him I would not have been able to make it this far. I'm hoping I can hold out!